DISCLAIMER: Initially not inspirational in the slightest - but raw, genuine feelings despite my strong, tested and proven belief system that grounds me during hard times!
I think my spiritual self is pissed off…
I really want to mentally drop in to what everyone so lovingly says is my calm yoga teacher voice right now...and tell myself to be here and now - that I need to lean in to the breath - that I need to be aware of what my body needs and give that to my body….yet - that “Katie” voice has run away to a much needed vacation...and has been replaced by the vengeance thirsty, impatient, fist-shaking curmudgeon next door, and instead, can only manage to croak, “This spiritual shit is hard, and you don’t have it in you.”
Maybe you can relate?
I want all the answers. I want someone to tell me what is right for me and for a giant lightbulb to illuminate above my head. I want the peace that comes from doing all the work - without doing THE work. THE work is no joke.
Every tear I cry, every text message I send seeking support, every mala bead I meditate on, every pose I move in to, fall out of, or rush through, every moment of realization of just how much feeling emotions sucks….IS the work. Isn’t that amazing and depressing at the same time?
When we are at our lowest - when we feel emotions that cause us to question ourselves on such a deep level - we are working to understand our ever-changing needs - to process and accept the hard truths for OUR lives as individuals. We are slowly - sometimes so painfully slowly - gathering the courage to accept ourselves, our stories and our truths - the courage to live the life we need to live…even when it can be so different than the one we want to live.
Our authentic selves, are not always okay...and that is okay. That is why we have a practice, why we have ways to support ourselves on our journey, why we move, breathe and are part of networks, families and communities.
I want you to know - that when I say this is a practice….I mean it.
I’ll see you on the proverbial mat!